On marriage

Few days ago, during family dinner, mom passed on the news that Ex-Boyfriend No. 2 (who happened to be the son of a family friend) and wife were expecting their first child. Well, how delightful. Congratulations to them!

At this point my brother turned to me and kindly reminded me that all my ex-es were now either hitched or expecting children – what about me? I refrained from flicking my chopstick-clasped soy sauce chicken at him (trust me when I say we share a loving brother-sister relationship).

I am now at that age where friends, colleagues, ex-schoolmates, ex-es, cousins, second cousins etc are getting married and having children. I started receiving wedding invitations since a few years ago and have not stopped receiving them. Moms from both sides have decided to start gushing at babies of strangers at supermarkets. Most people we know (even those whom we’ve only just met) feel it is perfectly ok to ask whether Will and I are married and if not, when.

Now, there used to be a time when I thought marriage was not such a big deal. It is like a contract that two people sign to pronounce to the world that they want to be together, but one which can be easily terminated if both sides are no longer happy with the conditions (through a procedure called “divorce”). As a young person having that perception of marriage somehow made the process seem more straightforward, more practical and less daunting.

However, as I grow older, and the closer I get to this state of life, my idea of the “Hollywood marriage” no longer stands. Marriage is more than just a contract at law; or a public announcement; or an excuse to put on a gorgeous white dress or to show off the “dream wedding”. It is an oath of life-long and unconditional love, devotion, commitment and loyalty between two people, and an oath which should be honoured (as you would recite at the altar) through life and death. It is a promise that I will never leave you, I will share all I have with you and you will never be lonely again – and is a promise which I am giving unconditionally because I trust that you will do the same for me.

Marriage is also hard work. If you can work 12 hours everyday over 6 months to help a client realise their objective of 10% improvement in bottom line in return for some contracted fees, how should that measure in terms of effort required for a contract to provide another person with love and happiness for the rest of his or her life in return for the same favour? The feelings between two people will probably never be the same as when they initially meet or marry, and you are bound to come across issues and differences the longer you have been together. The oath of marriage is a promise that you will work hard to resolve any issues that come between yourselves no matter how big or small (and they will come) and separation is not an option for consideration.

If a marriage can easily be denounced within a few years due to “irreconcilable differences” why get married in the first place?

Therefore to me marriage is indeed a big, if not huge decision. However I truly believe that when the time comes, it will be a beautiful state to be in as you will provided the assurance that you will always be loved and protected, that the long, difficult path of life will forever be shared between two people. Therefore although daunting, two people who are ready should not be afraid to take the step and make the commitment.

What it should not be, though, is a decision that is made just because everyone is doing so.

PS: If you are reading this, it is definitely, absolutely not a hint. Honest :)